Bland Narrative — tom holland being engulfed by a herd of puppies is...

Anonymous asked:

Moment of silence for the real victims of Jumin's route... his employees. Those who are gonna be busy af when Jumin skips work to stay in bed all day and those who have to stand outside his door all day. (Hopefully Jumin soundproofed his place...)

foxyotomelady answered:

Oh these poor bodyguards standing outside Jumin’s room, listening to the certain sounds all night long… and in the morning they have to look him in the eyes with a poker face…
I need fanfic about that lol.

mysticmessengershenanigans

Oh man oh man oh man i gotchu lololol

•••

It’s another one of those nights. The stars are shining, the wind feels cool to the skin, the city lights give off a dazzling aura.

He knows all this from the hallway leading up to Jumin Han’s room. How, one would ask, if the hallway has no windows nor glass?

The sounds. The sounds from inside Jumin’s apartment. Specifically, the moans and gasps sounding through the once silent hallway.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what’s going on inside. When this started a few months back, back when Jumin and what’s that girl’s name again? I know it starts with a M were fresh newlyweds, everyone in the hallway was either hiding their pants or stifling a laugh.

Now it was just uncomfortable. Don’t get him started on the rare occasions which he hears Jumin’s moan instead.

But the worst part? The morning after. The morning when Jumin comes out of the room, looking serious as ever. Any of them would be able to testify how ridiculously awkward it is to look him in the eye and greet him a good morning.

He needs to get a better job.

foxyotomelady

OMFG I’m crying from laughter

protectjuminhan

LOL OMG
I propose the start of a series titled “The Daily Lives of Jumin Bodyguards”
This is Episode 1 - Sounds
*laughs on the floor*

n3k0m4t4

Then there’s that tradition for the “New Guy”…

This is [Body Guard Initiation 101]
NO ONE tells the New Guy /anything/ about *ahem* the /sounds/ and Mr. Jumin Han’s *preferences*
When New Guy’s shift starts, one of the previous guards solemnly hands him a pack of tissues; another guard GRINS BROADLY at New Guy and enthusiastically pats his shoulder while telling him “Good luck, kid!” or “Have fun, yeah? *wink*”
New Guy looks at tissue packet and is all “????” while the Day Shift walks away laughing
One or two of the older guards with him on this shift take out ear plugs roughly an hour after lights out
The other guards grin and signal *thumbs up* at those with earplugs (Hey, someone’s gotta cover for them after all. And signal when it’s all over, yeah? They DO take their jobs seriously after all. xD)
When the *slapping* and moaning and begging sounds start: New Guy bug-eyed looks frantically at other guards–some are grinning.
New Guy: *in this head* Is that????? OMG WHAT WAS THAT SOUND???? D: IS THIS A TEST?? AM I BEING TESTED??? DD: *confused boner*
The next day, New Guy, red-faced and stuttering, has a hard time greeting Jumin (and MC, if she even has the strength to walk around~ lol~)

foxyotomelady

what is happening with this post omg ahahahah this is just briliant, can’t wait for more, bless the anon who sent me this ask

foxyotomelady

ok, you know what? let me join to this game

A few days later
It was the middle of the day when New Guy (well, he still has a lot to learn) heard noises coming from the hallway
“Did somebody scream??” troubled he ran towards the room
But before he could grab the doorknob, other bodyguard stopped him with a grin on his face: “Oh no, you better don’t.”
“But I swear I heard someone screaming!”
“That wasn’t a scream of pain… or at least not that kind of pain,“ older bodyguard cleared his throat
while New Guy started to realize what is happening there was a loud SLAM!
New Guy jumped up surprised: "God, did someone just HIT the door?!”
Older bodyguard smiled again like someone who knows everything: “Oh this is quite normal, you better be ready for more…”

protectjuminhan

Ayy let’s just keep the chain going lololol

ーーー
Does Mr. Han Is Make People Gay?
ーーー
My name is Jun-seo, I’ve been working under Mr. Han for around 6 years. Ever since that New Guy came, everything around here became even more interesting.

Today has another different kind of awkward. Mr. Han was almost late for work. Instead of the usual stoic Mr. Han with completely neat clothes, he came out looking quite disheveled. His eyes looked a little droopy, his hair a bit messy. The top two buttons of his shirt were unbuttoned, revealing the top of his chest with… “marks”. He was rubbing his temples and let out a deep sigh. Everyone in the hallway was either fidgeting or looking at him with wide eyes.

The worst one was New Guy. His whole face was red and his mouth was gaping. It didn’t help that Mr. Han approached him after that, asking if he was okay. He turned even more red and fidgeted, desperately trying to hide what’s behind his pants. He passed out shortly after.

Mr. Han turned towards the other bodyguards. “Oh.. I didn’t know he was that tired. Could any of you take him to the infirmary? I need to go to work,” he said with a hoarse voice, looking vulnerable, different from the usual sharp Mr. Han.

“Y-Yes, Sir!” The bodyguards blushed at his request and ran towards New Guy, as if it were a race and that the one who brings New Guy to the infirmary will get a ‘reward’ from Mr. Han.

Mr. Han then continued his way to the elevator, looking as if nothing happened.

Rather than believing the rumor that Mr. Han is gay, I now believe that Mr. Han has the power of turning people gay.

n3k0m4t4

@protectjuminhan AHAHAHAAH OMG!!! THIS IS THE BEST SPIN-OFF EVER! xDD
@jylcie YES YEES IM WORKING ON IT NOWWWW

Continuing on, [Body Guard Initiation 2.0] aka [Parcel Check 101]

Note: I have accepted the HC of Jun-seo as Head of Security.
Note 2: Driver Kim was the previous Head, he is THE BEST driver and secret-keeper so rather than this being a demotion, it is actually the best position for him considering his age and all (less exposure to *cough* ‘night sounds’ iykwim ;3 )

There are protocols to follow when mail/packages arrive at Jumin’s penthouse. (Actually, the machine is pretty easy to use, kinda like those small x-ray ones they have at Embassy offices for checking your stuff before you go into the main office area.)
There’s a betting pool going amongst the veterans when a personal package arrives for Jumin
It’s basically ‘content categories’—Who guesses right gets the prize money! >3
Of course, New Guy doesn’t know that–and DOESN’T need to know that since them veterans have a waaaay better ‘use’ for him. heh heh heh.
New Guy is assigned to ‘parcel check’ coz you know, New Guy needs to ‘learn the ropes’ *cough* for the high-tech equipment right???
Them veterans have already rigged the damn machine with a camera that will capture New Guy’s expressions as he checks–and eventually /realizes/ what the contents are.
There are myriad reactions from the peanut gallery, aka, veterans:

“Aww! Dammit! I thought for /sure/ it was gonna be a new vibrator!”
“Fuck.” *hands over $10 bill to whoever won that round*
“YESS!!! NEW ROPE SHIT! CALLED IT!” *fans bills*
“Didn’t the Boss buy new ones last month??”
“Nah, those were leather restrains man.”
“Geh. You’d think he’d know the difference for gear by now.” *gestures for money to be handed over*
“Shut it asswipe.” *grudgingly hands over two $5 bills*

Jun-seo only ever participated in this the first three times. He’s strangely good at guessing, and was then banned from joining the pool. He is, however, in charge of the collection of reaction videos + photo album of all the New Guys’ reactions/photos. 8D (Whaaat? If he can’t win ‘em bets, he at least needs to get /some/ form of entertainment out of it!)
New Guy is still red-faced and dumbstruck.
AAAAANNNDD so it goes:

VeteranA: “”Alright! Time to get this over with folks!”
*everyone nods solemnly*
*Jun-seo sighs, shakes his head, and walks away*
VeteranA: *literally plunks parcel in New Guy’s hands*
VeteranB: *grins broadly, claps a heavy hand on New Guy’s shoulder* “Congratulations kid. Now go tell the Boss his package has safely arrived. *wink☆*”

New Guy is of course gonna be a nervous wreck (who is basically ‘New Guy’ until he either a)Quits or b)Joins the Peanut Gallery, in which case, he is now going to be called “Kid” until another New Guy comes along thus earning his place in Jumin’s Band of Merry Men™)

BONUS:

A few days later…. (a linear progression of events)

MC greets New Guy as per her polite, smiling, easygoing self one morning.
She kinda does this small wave-thing, and the loose sleeves of her turtleneck pull away, revealing her wrists–her rope-marked wrists.
New Guy just tunnel visions and swallows hard.
He wonders if this is how he loses his sanity as he watches her kiss Jumin lightly as she sees him off for work as normal.

jylcie

@fiftyshadesofdes continuation LOL

rfa-junkie

But guys, what about the poor maid. Omg, let me handle this. Ok so old maid quits and its the new maid’s first day.
•••
I regret every thing. I knew something was off when I was walking up to the room. All the guards wheee looking at me with pity and one even wished me good luck. I was so confused, and even more confused when I walked into the room. HOLY MOTHER OF CHEESUS the room was a mess, it looked like a F5 tornado went through here. Well, might as well start cleaning. As soon a I look to the left of the door, I found some rope. Not knowing what to do with it, I kinda just left it on the small coffee table by the door. Couple minutes in and I spotted something that can never be unseen. Is that… a leather… restraints. I have only seen them int the por- I mean on some naughty adds. Again, I decide to leave them on the coffee table. I kept cleaning and kept finding new *items* and soon it felt like a game of what can I find next. I never knew what to do so I just kept leaving that *items* on any table I found. When I finished and that wasn’t soon, I was not so shocked to find almost all the table tops in the room topping over with…you know, *items*. As I stood there wondering what I would do, some one entered the room. It was Ms. Han.
“Hello! You must be the new maid. I’m Jumin’s wife, but please call me MC…” She glances around the room, her cheeks flushing bright red. “Oh, I guess I’m too late…” We kinda stood in awkward silence. “Sorry about that.” She said as she itched her head. Her sleeve moved down a bit and sadly enough, I saw her wrist- her roped-marked wrist.
I swear I heard something in me break.
•••
Yay! Finished.
(same less plug (lol,plug), check out my mm blog cause I’m taking requests)

foxyotomelady

It’s bACK OMG LMAO WITH MAID THIS TIME

tskazane

WHY DID THE OLD MAID QUIT THO 😂😂😂

athena-jackson

Soo… I’m just gonna tag a few people, whom I admire their smut fanfic writing abilities, and see how this goes. I hope it gets dirtier on 3… 2… 1…. @sinfulinsecret @serensama @zoecam37 @hoebunaga

serensama

Well this… this is a beautiful thread. It’s threads like these that make me happy to be in such a beautiful fandom. @athena-jackson I’m sorry darling I can’t write FULL smut on such a large thread… but don’t worry. More of my stories will be coming >_^b

All the guards were busy eating their breakfast, it was new routine that they had grown to love. MC being the kind and considerate Mistress (~~AHEM~~!) of the home had told them that between 8:00-9:00 they were to eat up and be merry. Who could hate her then? (Even if the night before the new decree she was screaming like a banshee for Mr Han to smack her harder otherwise she’d show him how to do it properly… or how she told Jumin how pretty that toy looked… in him… ~~good god)~~ )

…. so no-one noticed the new maid walk in and swipe on, ready and eager to get to work. No-one warned her.

Mi Na was a lovely young girl just trying to get by. She had told her parents that she would pick up some part time hours to help them with the bills- she was a good girl. Straightening her uniform and tightening her hand around the bucket of cleaning products the company had given to her. She was ready! She was working in the prestigious house of Han! This would be an honour!

Walking through the apartment suite she noticed that hardly anything was out of place. The house was spotless and well looked after, neat and well organised. She would be in and out in a flash, easiest money she would ever earn, she squealed inwardly. She looked at the house plan on the map her superiors had given her and made a plan to clean the guest bathroom and bedroom, his bedroom and then the lounge last… that way she wouldn’t be in the way of Mrs Han for too long… speaking of which where was Mrs Han… she was told she would be greeted? Ahh well, the rich must be very busy and must have forgotten. No matter!

Finishing up the guest room in less than 20 minutes Mi Na happily hummed away as she made her way to Mr and Mrs Han’s bedroom. Opening the door so she could bring the vacuum in, she didn’t bother to look around at the state of them room- just assuming that everything would be the same as the rest of the house.

It wasn’t.

Linens were everywhere. Pillows shredded and the stuffing all over the floor. Lingerie strewn about on the furniture. Glasses and two empty wine bottles still on the beside table. A naked, sweating women chained to the headboard, thighs desperately trying to clench together as a rather intimidating toy… toys?… were rotating and buzzing away at her,…in her… on her… oh sweet baby jesus…

“Finally… you’re here… get over here and fuck me already, I’ve been waiting…”

Well. Shit.

The guards choked on their food at the blood curdling scream coming from Mr and Mrs Han’s bedroom.

Abandoning their food, the guards scrambled to the main house only to find a sobbing maid with her hand over her eyes, other hand clutching at the now closed door handle.

“I’m a good girl! I’m a good girl! I just wanted to make some money- but not like this! NOT LIKE THIS!” she wailed as she ran out of the house, never to be seen again.

Jun Seo sighed and wiped at the porridge on the side of his mouth before rapping at the door three times.

“Madam… you don’t happen to be chained up again like last time are you?”

“Now Jun Seo… if you don’t want me to lie to you, why do you ask me questions I can’t answer.”

“Madam, we regret to inform you that Mr Han has left for work and was grinning on the way out. He told us to tell you… that he would be home late.”

“That rat bastard. He’s going to get it when he gets home!”

Oh joy of joys. He really needed to get a new job.

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

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